I am velvety-smoothReview is BELOWI am veltely smooth, too
DVD: Schoolgirl Report #8: “What Parents Must Never Know” / “Was Eltern nie erfahren dürfen” (1974)
Film:  Very Good    
DVD Transfer:  Very Good  
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May 8, 2012



Genre: Erotica / Mockumentary  
During a bus ride to a farm retreat, giggly-jiggly schoolgirls recall their recent sexual experiences, with more to follow!  



Directed by:

Ernest Hofbauer
Screenplay by: Gunther Heller
Music by: Gert Wilden
Produced by: Wolf C. Hartwig

Wolf Ackva, Puppa Armbruster, Sandra Atia, Astrid Boner, Rolf Castell, Elke Deuringer, Marianne Dupont, Yvonne Dwyer, Marisa Feldy, and Roswitha Geuther.

Film Length: 87 mins
Process / Ratio: 1.66:1
Anamorphic: Yes
Languages:  German Mono
Subtitles:  English
Special Features :  


Comments :  


“Schoolgirls [are] not always stubborn and aggressive as some newspapers would like us to believe. They love life, having fun, and they love their world. Why shouldn’t they believe that they will always be walking on sunshine? If only they could keep both feet on the ground and view their environment realistically while living their life with vitality, like the girls in this Schoolgirl Report, which is based on actual events.”


The only documentary elements in this prolific erotic series lies in the main titles sequence, where high school girls are clearly responding to an off-screen interviewer (or perhaps the producer, just shooting random queries so the camera records some kind of ongoing dialogue). Everything else is neither based on a book nor starring real students and their parents, because there’s no way the series could’ve gotten past Part 1 had the ages of the filmed girls been so low, and their parents and relatives agreed to reveal their pickles and mooshies (beavers) for the sake of our edification. Part 8 basically regroups the same production team with many of the series' stock company, including Puppa Armbruster, Marianne Dupont, and Marisa Feldy.

As politically incorrect as the concept may be, the actresses all look twentysomething, and the men who hunger for their mooshy and busen (bosoms) are porn star wannabes with porn star moustaches and porn star sideburns, and a good 15-20 years older than the girls – a deliberate ploy to tailor the film towards older men in red light kinos.

The concept for Part 8 is pretty much erotic farce: during a class trip to a farm, the girls discuss amongst themselves recent sexual escapades, while one girl increasingly plots to get inside the pants of the group’s sole male chaperone.

As each girl recalls an important dramatic moment in her sexual development, director Ernst Hofbauer cuts to a flashback sequence, and the film ping-pongs back & forth between past & present until the bus reaches a small farming town. Once the girls settle into the hotel, a series of peculiar confrontations manifest, unmasking a secret relationship between teacher and student, a marriage proposal, and a girl who utterly fails to connect herself with the male chaperone’s wiener.

The flashbacks are ridiculous comedic vignettes where one or two girls disrobe, thereby giving the intended male audience members (Get it? Get it?) plenty of time to gaze at coiffed mooshies and busen gross, busen klein, and busen suss. Vignettes include a vamp luring a gardener to bed, a naïve lass tempting a first-year college snot, two girls setting up a prim and proper teacher for a damn fine fuck, a skinny dipping jaunt gone wrong when a hunter steals the girls’ clothes, and a devoted daughter confronting her wealthy uncle with her father’s bad accounting & debts, and getting a different kind of billiards lesson.

The present-day erotic sequences begin with an obligatory girls shower sequence where busen und mooshies are washed by one & all, and a scheming blonde who utterly fails to bed the chaperone. The film concludes with a preposterous sequence where bikini-clad, go-go booted girls sit in the middle of a cow pen drawing passing bovines while hick farmers admire the girls’ mammaries.

Director Hofbauer knows exactly what works on screen, so there’s no perky padding in his film. Scenes are tightly cut, boobies are everywhere, and whether filmed in slo-motion or real-time, the sound mix accentuates bobbing breasts with cartoon sound effects. It’s amazing this sexed-up juvenilia was released to cinemas, and Hofbauer obviously had fun constructing some hysterical sex montages, of which the billiards romp is the best: the camera slowly moves from pool balls to bare bum cheeks, and concludes with a rapid montage of gyrating bodies and spinning POVs.

As with prior entries, the filmmakers made sure the characters are constantly discussing or reflecting on the morality of their adventures, perhaps as satire, and maybe extra insurance in case some member of the German censor board felt offended.

Impulse Pictures (via Synapse) have sourced a decent print with stable colours. The optional English subtitles may not automatically load when the film starts, and the translations are closer to the spirit of the hysterical sexual banter than accurate translations; if you know basic German, the insults are much finer than the English variations.

Entries in this series include The School Girls (1970), #2: Der neue Schulmädchenreport (1971), #3: Schoolgirls Growing Up (1972), #4: Campus Swingers (1972), #5: Naughty Freshmen (1973), #6: What Parents Would Gladly Hush Up (1973), #7: What the Heart Must Thereby… [M] (1974), #8: Was Eltern nie erfahren dürfen (1974), #9: Reifeprüfung vor dem Abitur [M] (1975), #10: Smartie Pants (1976), #11: Blue Dreams (1977), #12: Carnal Campus (1978), and #13: Vergiss beim Sex die Liebe nicht (1980).


© 2012 Mark R. Hasan

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